ATTACK OF THE MARY SUE'S!
by Redwood Manning
Summary: You're reading a perfectly good fic, and then suddenly, out of the blue... Some random groupie hijacks the WHOLE THING and makes the story all about her. You know what I'm talking about. This is the story of the most beautiful and talented of all the Mary Sue's, who wants to put an end to this bull rubbish. (J/S)
1. Chapter 1

**Attack of the Mary Sue's**

Sarah perched on her throne, stroking her husband's fine, blonde hair, as he groaned into her lap. A wayward chicken fluttered by with a string of Goblin's furiously chasing it, but the Queen didn't so much as bat an eyelid.

"Why me?"

Sarah gave him a winning smile, pressing her lips against his ear.

"I heard it because you're... _sexy._ " She whispered playfully, revelling in his slight shudder.

Sarah could almost feel his lips twitching into a smirk.

"Is that a personal opinion?"

Sarah had just successfully straddled her husband with the grace and elegance of a true queen, when the throne room doors banged open. The goblin's all froze for a second, before continuing on with their daily business.

" _What now?"_ The Goblin King growled against her throat.

In the centre of the doorway stood a woman with flaming red, who seemed rather out of breath and usually pale complexion was ruddy with overexertion. She was wearing an incredibly impractical dress and Sarah didn't mean to judge but her boobs were incredibly out of proportion with the rest of her body. Really. It was ridiculous.

"Jareth." the woman heaved, while the Goblin King teased the lobe of his wife's ear between his teeth, "It is I, my love, Crystal. The one you have been waiting your whole life for."

Jareth paused his nibbling for a moment.

"I have a perfectly delicious wife, thank you very much."

"Yes, Crystal, the beautiful girl with the tragic back story. We'll spend a few badly written chapter's getting to know each other and then maybe about chapter 4 or 6, you put your love-stick in my maiden hood,"

"It is honestly like she's never seen a penis before." Sarah murmured to her husband with slight awe. "Your tights leave nothing to the imagination, how can she not know what one looks like?"

"And then the writing will slowly tickle out and the story will go unfinished... Crystal, The great granddaughter of Sarah William's."

Jareth pulled his face out of the crook between Sarah's neck and shoulder, eyeing her with mock suspicion.

"Is there something you're not telling me darling?"

Sarah shrugged.

"It's news to me."

"Yes." The girl continued, "The same Sarah William's who left you heart broken,"

Jareth groaned and buried his head in Sarah's shoulder again.

"Why do they always bring that up?"

"And then died tragically in a horse riding accident."

"I've never ridden a horse in my life." Sarah exclaimed indignantly.

"Or maybe it was a car crash. And then the car fell off a cliff. There was probably a drunk driver involved. Probably New years or Christmas or Halloween. She might have seen a white owl before she died." The girl scrunched her face, "I don't really remember, but all that matters now my darling is that we can be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ev-ACK!"

The woman was stopped when a blade protruded from her stomach.

"Remember me, my love." She whispered, before landing with a thud. She would have landed on her face but, well, boobs.

"That one died quickly! Usually we get half a Macbeth monologue and a tap dance too." Sarah remark casually, glancing at the girl, before giving her full attention to her husband.

"Yeah, sorry about that." The young girl holding the grip of the sword, placed one foot firmly on the dead girls bottom and giving the sword a rough yank.

It withdrew from the body with a disgusting, squelching noise.

"She just kind of got away from me. Really nimble... considering all the extra weight." The girl gave the one lying on the ground a slight nudge, causing the red head to jiggle more than jelly, before leaning against her sword like it was a walking stick, wiping her sweaty brow.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, your highnesses, but can't you just turn them all into goblins? Please?"

"Are you kidding me?" Jareth scoffed, "The population has quadrupled in size since 1986, anymore and well have to start building on top of the swamp of eternal stench, which has been raised two whole yards since we started dumping bodies there. As for Oubliettes, they are **ALL** _full_!"

"Fair enough, I suppose." The girl wiped her sword on Crystal's dress, "Just getting a bit tricky with the thirtieth year anniversary and Mr. Bowie pas-"

Sarah loudly shushed the girl.

"We do not speak of it. What else must you do today hunter?" Sarah arched a regal brow.

"Well, Apparently Jareth has a long lost, half brother who has evil, rapey intentions for you, my Queen, so I'll get onto that."

Sarah turned back to Jareth.

"You have a long lost, half brother who has evil, rapey intentions for me?"

Jareth shrugged.

"You have a great grand-daughter."

"LOVE ME GOBLIN KING!" A voice carried through the open window.

"Back to work I guess." The girl said with a weary sigh, hefting her sword over one shoulder.

"Go forth hunter." Sarah beamed, "Be like our... Buffy the vampire slayer."

"Buffy," The girl smiled to herself, "Huh, I like that."

The King and Queen of the Goblins watched the retreating girl.

"So..." Jareth trailed his hands down the length of his queen's arms, "We have a great-grand daughter."

"Sarah nodded.

"Would appear so."

Sarah flushed happily when Jareth pressed his hips against hers.

"Should we go about making her grandmother?"

Sarah chewed her lip, pretending to be in deep thought.

"Hmm... Perhaps we should practise first. Just to be on the safe side."

"Oh yes, of course, of course. To be on the safe side." He replied with equal seriousness.

With that the pair disappeared with a cloud of glitter, leaving a hundred Goblins wondering what to do with a dead body.

* * *

 _A/N: A short story on me, killing the Mary Sue's of the Labyrinth world, because I'm dreadfully bored. STOP THE MARY SUEING!_


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah sighed moodily, giving her husband's neck a slight, angry nip before settling back against him, curled up together in his throne.

"I don't know why we have to do this." Sarah pouted, tugging at a strand of her husband's hair.

She glowered at the trapped laughter vibrating in the column of his throat, giving it another nip. Admittedly, this one was softer and involved fair more sucking and tongue curling.

"Jareth," she whined softly, nuzzling just below his ear. "I don't want to do this. Can't we go back to bed or the library, or the kitchen, or the garden, or the bathtub."

Sarah tugged on his ear lobe with her teeth convincingly, "I know how much you love the bathtub."

Sarah smiled triumphantly when the Goblin King's mouth crashed down on hers, thinking she had won.

Coming up for air seven minutes later with glazed eyes and a rather stupid grin, she realised she hadn't, but had also stopped caring.

Jareth smirked down at his Queen, waiting until she'd slumped happily against his shoulder, her fingers dazedly tracing her lips.

The Goblin King then put on his most regal sneer and turned to goblin next to him.

"Bring in the prisoners," he commanded.

The first man who was brought forward for some crazy reason, looked identical to the to the Goblin King in every way except he had black hair and a rather nasty looking scar.

This readers, is what we call lazy writing.

Jareth glared at the man.

"Summary," he ordered, but not giving his wife another spectacularly mind blowing and glitter filled kiss.

The goblin pulled out a clipboard and ball point pen, giving it a test click before reciting, "This is your evil, long lost half-brother. He is almost exactly like you except he is evil. He has creepy, evil, rapey intentions towards the Queen. No explanation why other than, he is evil."

Jareth peered around Sarah, who had started sucking his neck again, and frowned at his long lost, evil half-brother.

"Do you have anything to _say_ for yourself?" He asked.

The Goblin King's evil, long lost, evil half-brother glowered evilly, "Only that I have a weird fetish for your wife and I will fantasise about her in every chapter that's in my point of view for an uncomfortable amount of time. And I like virgins. And not using lube. Or foreplay."

"Get him out of my sight," spat the King.

The Labyrinth's equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer did a super sick, triple backflip through the window, nodded to the King and Queen, grabbed the evil, long lost, evil, half, evil brother and dragged him back to the dungeons.

She's really cool.

Not like I'm trying to impose a character on you and force you to like them or anything but she had a really troubling childhood and-

"Next," called the King.

The Goblin flipped the page over on his clipboard, "This one isn't allowed out of the dungeons because he's the King of the Vampires. Character was written about 2008 so..."

"It's based off Twilight?" Asked the Queen, running her hands down her husband's chest.

The Goblin nodded, "Yeah. He want's to make Sarah his hot, undead bride and is kind of obsessive and weird."

The King looked up from his kissing, lipstick and glitter smeared over his face.

"Does he have a statement?" He asked, before gulping in a fresh lot of air and going back to snogging his wife passionately.

The Goblin frowned for a minute, looking at the sheet of paper with much disgust.

"Um. Yeah. The statement says ( _and please don't bog me, I'm just quoting_ ):

 _My darling Sarah,_

 _I'm going to be really romantic and chase you through a forest while you scream, "_ Get away from me you dipshit!" _Then I'm going to jump on you and tear your shirt off, and feel your breasts._

 _They'll be like really firm, pink grapefruits in my hand and you'll moan and get like 1,000 lady boners and then I'll sink my fangs into your neck and then you'll become my Queen forever and ever._

 _Lots of creepy, obsessive thoughts,_

 _The Vampire King._ "

Jareth stared at Sarah for a moment, before reaching out and giving a cautionary squeeze of her boob.

"I'm not exactly a grapefruit expert but that feels _nothing_ like a grapefruit."

Sarah paused, looking down at Jareth's hand before gently removing it, "Poor dear, not only was he a bad villain, he's a 400 year old virgin."

The Goblin King rolled his eyes, "Who's the next one?"

The Goblin flipped to the next page, "Troll Prince. Also kind of rapey but you can't do anything because he's a Prince."  
Sarah frowned at Jareth who had just re-grabbed her breast, and was giving it another, confused fondle.

"Who's after that?" She asked.

With a bored sigh, The Goblin flipped to the next page.

"That one guy who sat two rows behind you in forth grade math and thought your hair looked pretty."

The Goblin Queen smiled fondly, "Aw, he was called Ben. What a sweetie."

The Goblin King on the other hand grimaced, "Bog him. Who else?"

"Troll King."

The Goblin King groaned.

"Didn't we just have him?" He asked, not so subtly sliding his hand under the Queen's shirt.

"No dear," Sarah slid her hand down to a rather infamous part of the Goblin King's anatomy, "That one was the troll Prince. This one is a King."

The Goblin King grunted something that sounded vaguely like " _Systematics,"_ but it may have also been, " _Shit! That's magic."_

The goblin with the clipboard merely rolled his eyes, "Other people on the list are: your highness's normal brother, a pervy dude from the village, your royal bulginess's best friend, some random Sarah nearly married but then unfortunately found out on her wedding day that he was cheating on her with a pretty blonde woman, your most majestic kicking kinky boot's father,"  
"Wait," came the Goblin King's muffled voice (it was muffled because his face was in between the Goblin Queen's breasts), "my _dad!_ "

"Yep," the Goblin didn't even batt an eyelid, "Some guy named Matthew who has been waiting in the friend zone for years for Sarah and will take matter's into his own hands, forcing you, the Goblin King to save her from being sexually abused, also, your cousin who is nicer than you but most likely has evil intentions, Sarah's creepy next door neighbour, Sarah's creepy boss, a jock boy who is based either off stereotypical teen movies where all sporting people are mega dicks or gay or potentially is based off the writer's own personal bad experiences with jocks."

Jareth looked up at his wife with in mildly terrified awe, "Jeez woman! How do you attract so many?"

Sarah William's gave a jaw dropingly stunning smile and fluttered her eyelashes coyly, "It's my natural charm."

The King of the Goblin's gave her a look of pure adoration that clearly said, " _Holy fuck! My wife is amazing."_

"Is there anyone else?" Asked the King, his hands getting a little... _handsy_ on the Queen's royal ass.

The Goblin gave another bored flip through the pages, "More of your royal relatives, a couple evil war lords, a version of you that have been split down the middle and the evil half is evil, some more work colleagues, um and finally that dwarf."

Sarah raised her head, her mouth open like a fish, " ** _HOGGLE!_** What is wrong with these people!?"

The Goblin King stroked his wife's hair soothingly, "The internet is a dark and dangerous place, my love," he said in a hushed voice, nuzzling her neck, "I will do everything in my power to relieve your pain."

Sarah pouted, "Can I use the riding crop?"

Jareth captured her lips in a sweet kiss that made all the goblins within a ten mile radius throw-up a little their mouths, "For you love, anything."

Thus, the annual _"Sarah's jilted potential lovers day"_ ended in the usual fashion. With Goblin Monarch hot monkey sex.


End file.
